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How I Survived Therapy

I have been going thru a lot of changes in life lately, and so, have decided that it is time to take the step and seek a Therapist. Someone, kind, and knowing and supportive , who can help me figure out my life , past and present and someone who can help me get onto the path that I am wanting to follow. I shall emerge a stronger, healthier more together person. ( cue music ) powerful, able to handle whatever life throws at me!

I made the phone calls and have made the appointment, and been told that ” some paperwork ” will arrive, which I simply fill out, and bring along to my first appointment, about a week from now. NOW, it begins!

Well, the paperwork arrived today and , in keeping with my new together life, I am going to fill it out NOW.

Seems to be 25 pages long. Ok, well, therapy can’t be easy. By the time I am done, I am sure I will know a lot more about myself, and these questions are certain to help my new Therapist help me onto my new life of Bliss and Serenity.

Fortunately the first 23 pages seem to deal exclusively with Insurance and since ( soapbox alert ) like most self employed persons or persons employed by companies with less than 1000 employees , I have no insurance as I cannot find any I can afford, this section can be dispensed with altogether.Well, 5 minutes in and I am nearly done and ready to get on with the last bit, which is no doubt the personal, insightful section that will help my Therapist find, The Real Me, so they can help me onward and upward , to my new state of being, where I know exactly what the heck is going on! ( and it is the only BLUE page in the entire packet, which ought to mean Something )

I am so ready.

Question #1: Name, address, phone and age.

I am way ok with most of these, a little hazy on the age, but I can make a pretty good guess, especially since I tried to move that filing cabinet and now have lower back issues.

Question #2: Why are you coming to us for counseling?

Good Question, very pertinent, clearly the Therapist ought to know this. Except the space provided seems to be, well, rather small. Approx., wait, forget approx., I have a tape measure in my Handy Tool Kit, and after measuring I find the space provided is Exactly 2 inches by 3 and 1/2. Not enough space for issues like mine. Need more space. Blank Book? YES! I have lots of those, and no doubt the Therapist will appreciate my thoroughness. Page one, index…….

Question #3: What happened to make you seek help THIS time?

THIS time? That supposes a lot, quite a bit really. This is my first time. I suppose that people DO seek help a number of times, but it seems to me that starting out supposing that -I- am a three or four time loser is getting off on quite the wrong foot. My hopes and dreams are starting to tarnish slightly, but no one ever said this therapy was going to be easy.

Question #4: Is counseling a condition of your sentencing?

Sentencing? Like Jail Time? Hmmm…Tricky. Just how many of those ” Ha-ha, you parked on the wrong side of the street in the winter AGAIN ” tickets have I piled up in the glove box? I know , I know , I get a lot of them, but the parking is based on the date of the month, even days , odd days, and street address. Not only have I just moved into my new house and have trouble remembering my address, never mind if it is even or odd, I simply can’t DO the DATE of the month. I have trouble with days of the week, which , there being only seven of them is infinitely easier.

I get by pretty well tho, all in all, I am pretty good with ” is it an a) Plane Day or b) Gig day and if the day does not involve getting on a plane or playing a show, clearly it is a personal assistant day and I nip into work. Still, jail time and sentencing seems pretty harsh, and since this form has pre-supposed that I have sought help before , I am going to play the pre-suppose card and assume there will be no sentencing. ( kind of a ” get out of jail free card” as it were. )

Question #5 Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol, emotional issues, sexual abuse, abuse or family members?

I believe I covered that in Question #2, the blank book? Therapist, are you still with me??????

Question #6 How many hours a week do you work on average?

Huh?

Calculator. This is turning into more of a household project instead of my therapy. May get the hammer as well, and a few nails, just in case. Ok, how many hours ARE there in a week? It’s like a math problem. We can do this. One step at a time. I already know there are seven days in the week. and I know there are 24 hours in the day. That’s ..My calculator doesn’t work. I am not making this up for purposes of this essay. The thing is dead in the water, ok, pen… This is getting harder than I thought, but according to my calculations with the pen there are 168 hours in the week. Now, what is considered “work”. The things one gets paid for? ok, I get paid to be a personal assistant, an entertainer, a musician and a writer. I don’t get paid for the housework , but that is the only one that actually FEELS like work. I mean, I have SIX different kinds of floor cleaner and I don’t know what ANY of them do.

Alright, alright, subtract sleep, say 5 hours a night that would be 35 hours a week, leaving 135 hours.

OK. 135 hours a week of work.

Question #7 What strengths do you have to assist you in therapy?

ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Answer: I can do math without a calculator.

Question #8 Are you or have you been and have you had, a veteran, suicidal thought, religious concerns, eating problems or jail time ( there’s that jail bit again…)

Well, the jury is still out on god and the cosmos and exactly which god is currently looking after me, but no. Right. Answer NO. ( St Jude patron saint of lost causes help me…)

Question #9 How many days in the last month ( there’s that DATE thing again ) have you been late or absent for work or school or spent time in jail?

Jail? Again? Well, ok, I can see why that might be uppermost in my therapist’s mind. I mean, one needs to know these things. Scheduling and all. I am going to write a check for those parking tickets NOW and refuse to answer any more jail queries.

Question #10 ( nearly done , I see, skipping to the end ) How is your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and siblings? No room for details, this is all circle from excellent to poor. Easy. Finally. Have no spouse or kids, and my parents and siblings don’t affect me much.

OK. Question #11 and we are done done done! This therapy is way harder than I expected, but I feel I have been learning a LOT about myself and that this will help my new therapist with, well, it might help with something , I can’t see it myself, but , there you have it, that’s why I am IN therapy, because I don’t understand a LOT of things about this world.

Here we go…Great. It is Question #11 with parts a, b, c, and d.

a) Current marriage, date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, ( HUH???) school, date of marriage, date marriage ended ( there it is, that negativity again, what’s UP with this????? ) are they dead???? ( fine gothy idea that, but I digress )

b) Previous Marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

c) First marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

d)………

No. Can’t do it.

I am cured! It’s a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Therapy has WORKED and I. AM. CURED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist, if you even need any help, come and see me, I have a few questions first, I’ll send you some forms……