At some point, I will no doubt get back to talking about music, and books and truly exciting things, but sadly, no not today. Tho I am of the opinion that just because nothing is going on and I am stuck in the country ( instead of attending movie premiers and touring around with Duran Duran, and writing best selling Werewolf novels and hanging in Tasmania like my more exciting friends ) with all these animals, that is no reason not to tell you all about it.

Cabel did well yesterday. He didn’t exactly admit that Zoe isn’t so bad and, really, he does love her, but, hey, he didn’t kill her. Progress I say. He obeyed, but QUIVERED the whole time as if to say “LOOK IT IS A CAT I CAN KILL IT FOR YOU! YOU ARE SO WEIRD WHY ARE YOU STOPPING ME!”

He also did very very well in his Canine Good Citizen class. Then prom ply came home and chased a herd of deer across the road, across the field, thru the woods….I could not leave this Doofus to his own romping, as it was getting DARK and there is the road and all, so I spent the better part of an hour and a half hiking in the dark, calling him.

Had to laugh tho, when he finally came back he had the biggest grin on his dog face and said” H there you are! Isn’t this the BEST???”

Oh.

No.

Merry Housekeeper just rang my doorbell. And handed me a SLIP from the post office.

She is generally most willing to pick up most packages but this slip says simply….

BEES HERE.

No. Says she.

Ok. I can do this. Go to the post office and pick up three boxes of Bees.

Call the Birdchick. Birdchick is banding birds somewhere in Minnesota.

What next? Tea. Clearly a cup of tea. No Milk. Ok.

Nice neighbours next door do things like go to the grocery store, I am sure of it. They will have milk. Excellent. Now I have tea.

(Meanwhile, Merry Housekeeper, unable to restrain herself, has dusted the entire first floor of my house and has moved on to vacuuming, while waiting for me to get my act together. Cool.)

Back to Bees.

I do love my job and truly, but I can’t help but wonder how many Personal Assistants to Serious Talent out there are called upon to do things like, Go To The Post Office and Pick Up Bees…..

To be continued…

Love and Bees,
Lorraine

We had the first meeting between Cabel the Dog and Zoe the Cat today. Two meetings, actually. Very fun. They seem to adore each other. Such a sweet bonding experience it was. He is so protective of her, and she cuddles him so sweetly. They ate side by side, Cabal carefully picking out bits of meat and offering them to Zoe.

Or not.

What actually happened was Cabel tried his best to get to Zoe and kill her, and Zoe for her part told us we all sucked. Still, not bad for a first day. I made him sit stay and told him LEAVE IT. For the second meeting I put the muzzle on and let them get a bit closer, and he lunged and she swiped with her claws of doom. Noone got hurt, and I put the fear of God into the dog. I used the She Who Must Obeyed Voice and said SIT STAY LEAVE IT BAD BAD BAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He sat. He stayed. He left it and then lay down on his side and showed me his belly. Which, from all my reading and watching Dog Whisperer shows, is a Good Thing. It he knows he did wrong and I am the Pack Leader. Dog Whisperer says when they submit and relax, that is the state you want them in. We will keep working. I cuddled Zoe and gave her her food, and told the dog he was wonderful and we will try again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. ( Macbeth just might murder sleep )

I must say, the whole Dog Thing is very different from the Cat Thing I am used to. With the cats when they pee on you in bed, you say you are very sorry you didn’t get up sooner and feed them. If the dog ever tried that…….

Speaking of cats, Freaky Venus Seaweed and Madame Malena Mim went to the vet today. Venus did her usual Great Escape and ran thru, up, down and all over the clinic, getting everyone involved in the chase. People were cheering her, and laughing so hard. Hmmph.

Mim is getting her spaying tomorrow. She is now 6 months old and it is time. I didn’t think it would be quite that fast tho and now I am in the throes of OH MY POOR BABY!!! I know it needs to be done, but it’s hard to see the little cuteness (ok, or Demon from Hell) have to go thru it.

The Bees are coming on Thursday or Friday. Three Boxes of Bees. I will need to go and pick them up from the post office as the postman declines to transport them all out to the house, seeing as how they are crafty little fliers and a few always manage to escape. I am very popular at the post office. Not sure how this will work in the Prius tho. I am going to feel REAL silly going in in my bee suit, but I sure as heck aren’t driving home Covered in Bees without one.

The Birdchick also told me she has signed us up to be on the Swarm Patrol. This means when a flock of bees swarms (which means half of them leave the hive with the Queen and go looking for a new home) and end up in someones garage or back yard and THEY call the police or park people or whomever, they call US and we go and get them and re-hive them.

It’s good to have friends, I say.

Life, is not dull.

Love and Dogs and Cats and Bees,
Lorraine

I took Dog today to the MN Horse Expo, which turned out to be a much better idea than it might first sound. It was all REALLY new to him, and as far as smells go, he found plenty. We got to put into practice all the things we have been learning in Canine Good Citizen Class, meeting and greeting, leash walking with out going berserk, letting new people pet you ( him, not me ) and just being in a place where there is a LOT going on.

We made a LOT of new friends.

For my part I got to see the most magic Horse Thing ever. My favourite horse is the Friesen, and the last act of the Expo was four Friesens who wore, well, long tubes of light, down their legs, along their manes and tails. The lights in the stadium were off and they danced and pranced, like some sort of scene from a futuristic movie.

I also fell head over heels in LOVE. Kid you not. A friend of ours had the most beautiful horse, tall, long mane and tail, white and chestnut paint. Half Friesen and half Saddlebred. He loved me too, which Cabel the Dog did not like. I left the Dog with my friends daughter when I went to cuddle with the Nice Horsie and that was the only time he freaked. The horsie’s owner fell in love with Cabel the Dog, and I offered a straight up trade, as the nice Horsie was, of course, for sale.

She didn’t go for it. Said the nice Horsie was $10,000. I tried to explain that was slightly less than the nice Doggie was worth, but it didn’t go far. Boss might not have liked it either.

Nice Horsie tho.

Tomorrow I am going to start introducing Cabel the Dog to Zoe the Cat. Zoe, you may recall has been living in my extra room, on a diet. We are hoping to change Cabel’s evil Cats Must Die attitude and have them live in peace and harmony. Slow process, I am thinking. I have been rubbing Zoe with a towel and then taking it and rubbing Cabel with it, and working on putting the cat scented towel down and doing LEAVE IT at Cabel, which is going well.

The introductions will be Very Controlled. I have been reading everything I can find online, but if anyone out there has any advice, I’d love to hear it.

And finally, thanks to Miss Kitty and her hanging out with Gods of the 80’s and a late night phone call with the Mighty Kimbo ( Director of our very nearly done video ) I am going out east in August to see Journey, HEART and Cheap Trick! Me and the Mighty Kimbo, three bands, one show! Heart. THERE is my youth. I never got to see them live, and apparently, they are back again. Open air theater, dancing in the sun!

I can’t wait!

Love, Dogs, Ponies, and Heart,
Lorraine

I just hopped onto the Weather site.

I am sad.

Too sad to go on.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Snow.

This can’t be happening……

If you want me, I will be on a Tropical Island. Until August. When there is some chance of Spring.

Love and Snow. Yet again.
Lorraine

I don’t know where you live, but as it is Spring, finally, here, I imagine that it is also Spring where you live. I hope you day was as fine as ours turned out. Tho I have to say, it started at 40 degrees, and cloudy with a fog as thick as pea soup. (it was pointed out to me, however, that “Thick as Pea Soup” referred to the olden days in London, when the fog would mix with the coal, and be yellow, in short SMOG, and that this was just a grey fog)

Malena says she has new NEVERWHERE photos to post soon, and will do so shortly, but for now, here is me with my little Red Bellied Friend:

I got to help the Birdchick and her Merry Band of Birders today. Mostly, the biggest help I provided was nipping up to the Coffee Place and bringing back a large Box of Coffee, midway thru the chilly morning. A popular move that.

They know that my favourite Bird is the Red Bellied Woodpecker, which has a red HEAD but no red BELLY, not sure why, those wacky Birders….In the picture you can see just how fond this one is of me holding it pre-release after banding. The release did not take long, trust me, those beaks are SHARP.

I have so much fun being with the Band of Birders, I know next to nothing about Birding (tho the Birdchick is constantly teaching me these skills) and it is a lot of fun to be with people who are at the top of their game in a field I like, and know not much of. I learn so much, and am always glad when they come.

(no, I am not sure what they are doing or WHY they are banding, but the Birdchick will)

You can nip over to the Birdchick’s blog for the full and complete story I am sure. We also did some cool Bee Things, as it is now Time for Bees again. We are doing three new hives this year, and I will be sure and take pics for that. Nothing like being Covered in Bees for a truly memorable day!

What else? Hans, our Sherpa Guide, shingled my little House, and if I ever find my charger, I will take pics, next, Laura is going to paint me a fairy mural on it. I want to do so much in the garden this year…..How does one find TIME for everything, I ask you??????

Still no word from the Nice Lady on my essays, hee-hee, guess they lacked Literary Merit! Won’t stop me from writing them tho…..

Love and Birds,
Lorraine

It should be noted that THIS is the 500th post since Malena and I began doing this blog a couple of years ago. Happy 500th Post, Blog!!!!!!!!!!

So it seems entirely fitting that I post my Therapy Essay here for it. I thought I had posted it at one point, but judging from the e-mails and comments, it seems I did not…So without further ado……

How I Survived Therapy in One Easy Evening

I have been going thru a lot of changes in life lately, and so, have decided that it is time to take the step and seek a Therapist. Someone, kind, and knowing and supportive , who can help me figure out my life , past and present and someone who can help me get onto the path that I am wanting to follow. I shall emerge a stronger, healthier more together person. ( cue music ) powerful, able to handle whatever life throws at me!

I made the phone calls and have made the appointment, and been told that ” some paperwork ” will arrive, which I simply fill out, and bring along to my first appointment, about a week from now. NOW, it begins!

Well, the paperwork arrived today and , in keeping with my new together life, I am going to fill it out NOW.

Seems to be 25 pages long. Ok, well, therapy can’t be easy. By the time I am done, I am sure I will know a lot more about myself, and these questions are certain to help my new Therapist help me onto my new life of Bliss and Serenity.

Fortunately the first 23 pages seem to deal exclusively with Insurance and since ( soapbox alert ) like most self employed persons or persons employed by companies with less than 1000 employees , I have no insurance as I cannot find any I can afford, this section can be dispensed with altogether.Well, 5 minutes in and I am nearly done and ready to get on with the last bit, which is no doubt the personal, insightful section that will help my Therapist find, The Real Me, so they can help me onward and upward , to my new state of being, where I know exactly what the heck is going on! ( and it is the only BLUE page in the entire packet, which ought to mean Something )

I am so ready.

Question #1: Name, address, phone and age.

I am way ok with most of these, a little hazy on the age, but I can make a pretty good guess, especially since I tried to move that filing cabinet and now have lower back issues.

Question #2: Why are you coming to us for counseling?

Good Question, very pertinent, clearly the Therapist ought to know this. Except the space provided seems to be, well, rather small. Approx., wait, forget approx., I have a tape measure in my Handy Tool Kit, and after measuring I find the space provided is Exactly 2 inches by 3 and 1/2. Not enough space for issues like mine. Need more space. Blank Book? YES! I have lots of those, and no doubt the Therapist will appreciate my thoroughness. Page one, index…….

Question #3: What happened to make you seek help THIS time?

THIS time? That supposes a lot, quite a bit really. This is my first time. I suppose that people DO seek help a number of times, but it seems to me that starting out supposing that -I- am a three or four time loser is getting off on quite the wrong foot. My hopes and dreams are starting to tarnish slightly, but no one ever said this therapy was going to be easy.

Question #4: Is counseling a condition of your sentencing?

Sentencing? Like Jail Time? Hmmm…Tricky. Just how many of those ” Ha-ha, you parked on the wrong side of the street in the winter AGAIN ” tickets have I piled up in the glove box? I know , I know , I get a lot of them, but the parking is based on the date of the month, even days , odd days, and street address. Not only have I just moved into my new house and have trouble remembering my address, never mind if it is even or odd, I simply can’t DO the DATE of the month. I have trouble with days of the week, which , there being only seven of them is infinitely easier.

I get by pretty well tho, all in all, I am pretty good with ” is it an a) Plane Day or b) Gig day and if the day does not involve getting on a plane or playing a show, clearly it is a personal assistant day and I nip into work. Still, jail time and sentencing seems pretty harsh, and since this form has pre-supposed that I have sought help before , I am going to play the pre-suppose card and assume there will be no sentencing. ( kind of a ” get out of jail free card” as it were. )

Question #5 Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol, emotional issues, sexual abuse, abuse or family members?

I believe I covered that in Question #2, the blank book? Therapist, are you still with me??????

Question #6 How many hours a week do you work on average?

Huh?

Calculator. This is turning into more of a household project instead of my therapy. May get the hammer as well, and a few nails, just in case. Ok, how many hours ARE there in a week? It’s like a math problem. We can do this. One step at a time. I already know there are seven days in the week. and I know there are 24 hours in the day. That’s ..My calculator doesn’t work. I am not making this up for purposes of this essay. The thing is dead in the water, ok, pen… This is getting harder than I thought, but according to my calculations with the pen there are 168 hours in the week. Now, what is considered “work”. The things one gets paid for? ok, I get paid to be a personal assistant, an entertainer, a musician and a writer. I don’t get paid for the housework , but that is the only one that actually FEELS like work. I mean, I have SIX different kinds of floor cleaner and I don’t know what ANY of them do.

Alright, alright, subtract sleep, say 5 hours a night that would be 35 hours a week, leaving 135 hours.

OK. 135 hours a week of work.

Question #7 What strengths do you have to assist you in therapy?

ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Answer: I can do math without a calculator.

Question #8 Are you or have you been and have you had, a veteran, suicidal thought, religious concerns, eating problems or jail time ( there’s that jail bit again…)

Well, the jury is still out on god and the cosmos and exactly which god is currently looking after me, but no. Right. Answer NO. ( St Jude patron saint of lost causes help me…)

Question #9 How many days in the last month ( there’s that DATE thing again ) have you been late or absent for work or school or spent time in jail?

Jail? Again? Well, ok, I can see why that might be uppermost in my therapist’s mind. I mean, one needs to know these things. Scheduling and all. I am going to write a check for those parking tickets NOW and refuse to answer any more jail queries.

Question #10 ( nearly done , I see, skipping to the end ) How is your relationship with your spouse, children, parents and siblings? No room for details, this is all circle from excellent to poor. Easy. Finally. Have no spouse or kids, and my parents and siblings don’t affect me much.

OK. Question #11 and we are done done done! This therapy is way harder than I expected, but I feel I have been learning a LOT about myself and that this will help my new therapist with, well, it might help with something , I can’t see it myself, but , there you have it, that’s why I am IN therapy, because I don’t understand a LOT of things about this world.

Here we go…Great. It is Question #11 with parts a, b, c, and d.

a) Current marriage, date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, ( HUH???) school, date of marriage, date marriage ended ( there it is, that negativity again, what’s UP with this????? ) are they dead???? ( fine gothy idea that, but I digress )

b) Previous Marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

c) First marriage date, age of spouse, children ,ages, physical placement, date of marridge, date marridge ended are they dead????

d)………

No. Can’t do it.

I am cured! It’s a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Therapy has WORKED and I. AM. CURED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist, if you even need any help, come and see me, I have a few questions first, I’ll send you some forms……

Hurrah! I think I am starting to recover from this. I also think that stopping all the darn drugs is making me recover faster. There was one for not being able to breathe, one for antibiotics, one for the cough and one to stop me throwing up as the first three made me so sick.

A nurse friend remarked that she thought it odd that they gave me Vicaden, as it is addictive, and I said HELLO??? No danger there. Let’s see? What did I enjoy more? Throwing up? Nightmares? Shaking? People do that for FUN???? Sigh. Had it not been for the fact that I would shortly develop “illness” that would cause me to need whisky on a daily basis, I would have been much better off with a shot of scotch in a mug of herb tea. Ease the breathing and coughs and send me to sleep.

One weird thing, you know how the drug ads on TV must list the side effects, which they do in haste at the end of the beautiful ad? Well, in the mist of my illness, I heard the strangest one of all. We will call it New Wonder Drug, or NWD for short. I can’t remember what it was meant to be FOR, but at the end of the general “May cause weakness, dizziness, heart trouble, nausea ect…They said “In certain circumstances may cause DEATH” and then “A certain percentage of some studies indicate that some people may be helped by NWD” (actual words, wrote ‘em down)

Hello? IS there any indication that this NWD actually HELPS any condition? I am not a paranoid person, but I am starting to SUSPECT SOMETHING, as Pooh said of the Bees,
in regards to big drug companies…

Cabal, the Pipe Wielding Dog, had his first day in the Canine Good Citizen class tonight. (go ahead, snicker) I did explain to him yesterday that tripping on the Tire Jump and knocking it into my Boss, knocking him out, and bloodying his nose was NOT Good Citizen behaviour, and he said he was sorry. He did great tonight tho. The wonders of the cooked chicken treats in my pocket, I am thinking.

I got myself into a Thing the other day. A Nice Lady from a Literary Magazine that I cannot remember the name of, asked Boss if he would write some non-fiction for them. Boss cannot take anything more on, but I said “Hi, non-fiction? I’m your women” Great, says the Nice Lady, send it on over.

Oh. Says I. What do you want. Here is what the Nice Lady told me…

I’m not looking for any special topic; We have a very broad aesthetic. I guess our only real “requirement” is that it have a measure of literary value. That sounds kind of stuffy, but we like to publish essays that are more than anecdotes or experiences, essays that expand beyond themselves. We’ve published funny essays, ones that break your heart, some that really stir up discussions. I’m glad you’re still interested in sending some work this way!

Hmmm…I think my essays are rather fun, like “Top Ten Things Never to Send Your Favourite Writer” or ” Day in the Life of a Personal Assistant” or “How I survived One Day in Therapy” or even “Owning Bengals: What the Internet won’t tell you” but, one wonders, do they have Literary Value? How does one tell?

Is it like when you go to a big bookstore and they have a Literature section and a Fiction section. Does anyone know what the difference is? I can’t seem to figure it out. I know there is sci-fi, fantasy, romance, mystery, but many novels that might be in any of them end up in Literature. And Vi’s versa. All very confusing.

I would like to write something that has Literary Value. I think the Book Malena and I are working on has Literary Value, in that people will read it and it will make them dream, and happy, and see things they would not have seen, had we not written it. But again, who can say?

I would like to write something for these people, as I have quite enjoyed corresponding with this Nice Lady. (She is a one of us) but what, one wonders…..

What?

Love and Mysteries,
Lorraine

I have achived some health in the last 24 hours. I now feel really horrible. As opposed to ” I am about to die ” This is an improvemant. I have some drugs tho and some of the best chicken soup ever made. I may yet live.

Sharon the Birdchick posted this today, which made me laugh:

(I am as yet too braindead to think of my own ideas, so I am sure she will not begrudge me hers for the day)

It made me laugh tho, I know spring is strange in the part of the world ( and in the UK, from what I have been hearing ) but, it’s like it’s having weather Touretts. Is it a thunderstorm? Sleet? A blizzard? A flood????? It just doesn’t know and so is changing on a country by county basis. And trying for all of them.

Another 3-5 inches of snow tomorrow. Which may make the point of whether or not I am well enough to go to my gig tomorrow rather moot.

Sigh.

I just got up my driveway last Sunday for the first time since November.

It was really lovely to see all the new Folks posting this week, many thanks for your support of Lonely Werewolf Girl. I am reading it again, here on my couch. Until I fall asleep.

Which may be shortly.

Love from the sickroom,
Lorraine

I saw two sights today that literally made me stop and stare in wonder. The first was a flock of migrating Trumpeter Swans. I might have taken a quick look and dismissed them as geese, but I have been hanging out with the Birdchick a lot this year, and she is teaching me Bird Skills. They were white, and had long necks and sang differently that geese do. SO lovely.

(ok, the second was a BUTT in the grocery store. Not a crack. A BUTT. You would think the guy might have noticed, BUT neither myself, nor anyone else in that asile felt able to mention it to him. Cleared the place OUT…)

I have been following the release of Martin Millar’s Lonely Werewolf Girl with pride and satisfaction. His publisher mentioned to me that Barnes and Noble has got behind it and that it is currently hanging out at #4! That’s the way to do it!! Here is a bit from the Telegraph in the UK I quite liked…..And another from Softskull And yet another fine review from a Gentleman who started off skeptical and ended up raving!, just sent to me by Softskull Press……..

And here is a lovely picture of Martin. You will have to go to his website to find the answer to WHY the chainmail bikini is very important. Hey, we’re all for it! (Having seen my bandmate Malena in one, I am here to tell you, they ain’t half bad!)

Ok, ok, here’s a link to MALENA in leather, chainmail bikinis and some regular clothes just for fun. For those of you who think Martin isn’t exciting enough. To look at compared to Malena, anyway (heck, who IS??) but, the man can write.

Very, very well. Now back to Martin….

Starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and Booklist! (tho Publishers Weekly seems a little at odds with itself as to whether or not they are raving or nix’ing the book. The things they seem to think of as “Problems” are pretty much what makes this such a great book. Our sort of people get this sort of thing.)

Here are my favorite couple of sentences, from Booklist, which I think, sum Lonely Werewolf Girl up better than I ever could..To read the entire review, on Review of the Day , I might add, click HERE.

Booklist:

This complex romp features scores of characters,
multiple races, enchanting fashion trappings, business, family dynamics, music, sex, enduring love,romance, business, eating disorders, drug addiction, back-alley fights, epic battles, politics, and, most prominently, the contrary nature of werewolves, not to mention 236 (!) chapters. And it’s so compelling you don’t want to it end. The grungy, gory, glorious world that World Fantasy Award–winner Millar has created is unforgettable.

— Diana Tixier Herald

I knew before this book that Martin’s writing was good. Better than good. And then some. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. He takes the half formed fancies I dream about and brings them to life.

In Lonely Werewolf Girl, he will show you the world as it just might actually exist.

At any rate, it does now. And this makes us happy.

Love and Werewolves,
Lorraine