I have been trying to figure out what to get an artist friend of mine for Xmas for some time ( not my Boss , for the records sake ) He has everything, I can’t afford the kind of art he would appreciate , and one doesn’t want to get him something dumb of course.

Then today , I had my idea. Saw Art. Of Course! He has never set foot in the upper Midwest so he most likely does not even know what saw art IS!!!!

( uh-hem…Saw art is scenes, generally of deer, moose, geese , wolves, snow, cabins ect painted onto Saw Blades, generally the round chainsaw types. This is real. It exists nowhere else that I know of. Many cabins are decorated in Saw Art. )

So I googl’d ” Painted Saw Blades ” and found many Saw Arts for sale, and thought , well, I’ll just pick one out and it will be a Merry Xmas all around.

Then halfway down the list I found it.

Go here

Of Course. Who Knew?????????

Merry Xmas all,

Lorraine

Today I went to Office Depot, one of my favourite stores ( hey, I live in the country, there’s not a lot out here ) to buy my next years calenders. One large plastic year long thing that I put up to write down the next years schedule and keep track of where the Boss will be when and one for the desk to keep track of daily appointments.

The large year long one was $15 , a little steep , but, well, I need it and it IS plastic, what the heck.

The desk calender was $25.

Now, I am talking about your basic , plain, month by month, tear it off , paper calender. Not coloured. No Cartoon charecters. No inspiring sayings. No eagle picutres. No gold inlay on leather.

Just PLAIN.

I ask the nice Office Depot Person ” Can this be right ???? Possibly an error? ” No, says she, that’s right. ” Doesn’t this seem a LITTLE steep? ” asks I

Yes…Says she. Then tells me , in a sort of conspiritory way, that Office Depot has a version for $2.99.

Sign me up I say, and she takes me to the apparently Secret Calender Area , in another part of the store, and Yup, there they are. $2.99.

It is the same calender. Except for a very small Office Dept Logo in one corner.

$2.99. Or $25. Go figure. Same thing.

Thought I would share.

On another note, when I picked Prius up from the dealer ( it was getting it’s Detailing ) I asked about getting the little sticker I have always had which tells one when it wil need a Service, oil or whatnot. The dealers looked at me sadly and I said..Oh. You are trying to tell me the Car will let me know. It talks.

Yes, they said…..

Live and learn,

Lorraine

in September you see 90 pound girls in fur snow boots, bikini tops and ass cheek baring skirts with sun glasses bigger than they are…talking on a cell phone saying, “Oh my God Jen it’s like soo cold!”

people ask you “What are you working on” instead of “How are you today”

a million dollars won’t buy you a 3 bedroom house

a size 8 is considered “too fat to do films”

30 miles an hour on the freeway bumper to bumper is considered “moving quite nicely”

marriage and divorce is a money making operation

someone offers you cocaine as an “acting tool”

your waiter sings and dances with out being asked

straight men get pedicures and use more hair products than you

you tell someone “nice dress” and they tell you what show it’s from

7 out of 10 cars on the road are FAT SUV’s, driven by women on cell phones with no kids.

you see women over 70 at the gym with better bodies than your babysitter

you call 911 and get put on hold for 45 minutes

cold means 50 degrees

you cook thanksgiving dinner and even the men don’t eat because they “don’t eat carbs”, but everyone drinks like fish!

Ok ok, you know I love LA and it’s my home. But these are ALL true. We’re livin’ it up at the hotel California! I feel so normal. hee hee

Back now and feeling MUCH better. Nasty thing it was, I am quite certain noone wants the gory details, but it involved a LOT of aches, pains, and throwing up. Paul, my bandmate from Folk UnderGround, came out for two days to make me tea and comfort me and be generally wonderful. Many thanks for all the kind wishes. I am certainly over it, but still pretty tired, so this may be short today.

Mimi Ko is a wonderful photographer! I can’t wait for these Bond photos. A copy of the new Endless cd showed up at the house the other day ( and I am really enjoying it ! ) and the photos were all Mimi shots, really lovely. ( Endless folk, where can people check this new cd out? )

No gigs this weekend, a weekend off? Who knew???? Next week tho, some real fun, more Tim Malloys, Wednesday thru Saturday at the Half Time Rec in St Paul, 9:30 to 1:00am. Perfect on Thanksgiving after to much food and family!

That’s about it for today, except to tell you it is COLD here. As in Winter Arrived, in a not mess around manner. Last weekend we had a tornado watch and and by Monday, snow and below zero windchills. We don’t mess around here in the Midwest. I havn’t had a chance to test Prius in the Snowing Down Upon Us snow yet, but I hear it handles well.

Love and Healthiness, Lorraine

Sideshow just sent us the life size Darkness bust Miles sculpted. We now have this evil monsterosity sitting on our living room table. Boy, the fundamentalist neighbors will have something to talk about now. hee heee

Mimi Ko is at my house today talking about a “Bond Girl” photoshoot. Like I’m gonna say no to that, right? We are picking out clothing and talking about locations. Today is a weird day. Lorraine has come down with the flu. So, she’s out of commission for a few days. It’s so weird not to have my phone ring ten times! As you know, this band is geographically challenged, so we do everything on the phone. I’ve been talking to Lorraine about doing some cover songs for the next album. “If You Want Blood” by ACDC is ringing in my head. There’s something very seductive about a screaming-kick ass-no holds barred-rocker song. I’ve always wanted to jump off the stage and crowd surf. (Lorraine will read this and worry if I’ve gone mad!) Actually, it’s a little late to wonder, don’t you think?

I’m talking to Miss Fabulous on the phone right now and she says, “Cough cough sputter choke…I’ll be back soon everyone”

Of course, I’m not helping much by talking about guts and gore while she is nauseated. Living in this house makes me immune to being grossed out by scary things. I can talk about brain surgery while eating spagetti no problem.

BTW, if you haven’t already, check out the fairy movie on our links. It’s diva-rific.
Love and Darkness,
Malena

Happy Belated Birthday Neil Gaiman!!!
_Your undead goth assistant_

Never to send your favourite writer……

I have spent most of today in my office, having for the most part, a truly delightful time, going thu boxes and bags, and backlogs of Things that have come in these last few months. I have been rather busy, to say the least, and things do pile up some. It’s been wonderful fun finding delightful and interesting Things , people are so very cool, and sweet and just down to earth and neat. I love my Boss’s readers.

I was, however reminded of an Essay I wrote a couple of years ago, and thought the time might have come to post it again, just for fun….

Enjoy!
Lorraine

Top Ten Things Never to Send Your Favorite Writer

10. Food

Unless you are a proper Food Company, what you send will not arrive in anything like the condition you sent it out in. Writers, or anyone else for that matter, tend to become rather dubious upon viewing the crumpled remains of what once was no doubt ( or a lot of doubt ) cookies. Also, somewhere deep in our darkest recess of our past, all of us remember our Mother’s Don’t Take Candy From Strangers , I mean, sure, it’s a million to one odds, that this is the final crazed fan who has coated the little goodies with arsenic, but hey, who wants to take chances?

Send wine. Or scotch. Single Malt. Old Single Malt.

9. Paw-paw’s.

Yes, I know , they are food. Well they might be food, I don’t know. I do know they don’t ship. Even Fed-ex. People have tried. There are reasons we don’t have them in the North. For all I know , they are local to a three mile square field down South somewhere , available only to folk singers and local residents with a 1/2 mile radius of said field. I repeat, they don’t ship.

Now mangoes do ship. Via Fed Ex. If you want something very badly from your favorite writer , a half dozen mangoes to his or her assistant will often move that request right to the top of the list. Trust me.

8. Invitations for things happening next month

Now , writers tend to be busy, based on my experience. Unless you are signing yourself HRH Elizabeth R. or including the words ” Beach house ” ” Maui” and
” business class airfare” , next month is probably not going to work. Writers write. It doesn’t matter how great your Convention is, they need to plan for it. In advance. It takes writers a very long time to write a book ( no, I don’t know why, it just DOES ) If you are reading their Blog and find out they are in town for a signing next week, dinner is also not going to work. Especially if you have never met, nice idea, but sorry. They don’t even want to see their friends when on signing tours. ( Actually the friends know all about writers on tour and tend to flee that weekend )

Invitations coming in from Brazil are the exceptions to this. Brazilians tend to send out invites for next month. All the time. Nothing deters them. They will set up an art show based on the writers work, have an entire convention based on your writers books, a conference and country wide media complete with signings, declare it a national holiday in the town, and get the mayor lined up to present the keys to the city making it permanently ” The Poor Writer ” Day from here on out AND this will all be scheduled Next Month. In one notable instance, Next Week.

7. Handwritten Letters.

Ok, we have a little lee-way here. Say it is a simple card saying , in nice , neat readable handwriting , ” Darn your last book was great! ” this is most likely ok. If you want your writer to read your letter is has to be readable. Yes, I know, one would think this was a no brainer, but you’d be surprised at how many people take a lot of liberties with the word Legible . Typewritten is so much easier to read. You might even go all out and include your address at the top, along with a SASE.

Which brings us to another little point….

6. Letters more than ten pages long.

Whatever you have to say should not take that long. It might well be important, and if you have to, you have to. But consider keeping it short. Ten pages of your latest novel idea, film idea, dream you had last night, or just a newsy note bringing your writer up to date on your life is more than they want to know and they will not be with you much past page four. ( Alright, I lied, make that page two )

Or rather the writer’s assistant will not be with you that long. If your writer is very popular they get a LOT of mail. They can’t read all of it, tho in their defense I must say they do try. You might consider something truly sneaky and start your letter
” Hello, Oh great and wonderful Writer’s Assistant, just bought your latest cd ( www.lorraineamalena.com ) and ye gads! It is great! ” Don’t know why, but those sorts of letters do tend to get more attention paid to them.*

* Assistants are smart. very smart. Make sure you actually buy the thing.

5. Letters written on black paper with a silver pen.

Silver pen on black paper is not nearly as cool as you think it is.

4. Your latest novel

Writers write. And they read. They have a backlog of reading bigger than most home libraries. They don’t ‘have time to read your novel/short story film idea. They don’t have time to read the things they want to . It is also never a good idea to send them letters saying ” Boy, I can’t believe you used my idea I sent you last year in your latest novel/short story/film. They didn’t. Again, trust me. They didn’t.

Send your stories to agents, editors, magazines , family, and friends. They want them, and in some cases are paid to want them. In some cases they may even pay you for them.

4. Things with blood on them.

‘Nuff said. I don’t care what they write, they don’t want it.

3. Anything you want back.

I am not talking about the odd book here, to be signed and sent back, particularly if you have written the assistant first explaining the situation ( remember how we start those letters ? ) and sent the book with SASE. Most writers are happy to oblige. Even assistants don’t mind, happy to help. I am talking about personal things you want back. Your one of a kind portfolio filled with the only copies of original art. The ten mirco cassettes with player you have recorded your dream journal on for the last year. Actually, any journal of any kind. This goes along with the only copy of your latest poems, the master copy of your cd or any family heirlooms.

Writers dread the sort of letter that starts out ” I have sent you this, but please send it back when you are done” For some reason anything of the sort immediately sends the item off into some sort of alternate cosmic 5th dimension , and it will, I guarantee , never be seen again, no matter what good intentions the writer may have.

2. This is more of a Good Idea/ Bad Idea list of things you might send

Some Good Ideas: Small things, trinkets, cool jewelry, tiny statues, candles, small things that squeak ( not living ) one of a kind toys, weird barbie Dolls dressed as the Endless ( Sorry, I don’t know why, but I have always liked those ) cool old books, reference books , blank books for writing, cd’s , black socks ( don’t care who they are, they’ll need them ) mittens ( unless they live in Paw-paw country ) wind up Sushi, muppet puppets of said writer, Day of the Dead things , fountain pens and perhaps some truly useful items like Sharpie Pens and post it notes . The better the writer the less pens and paper they are going to have around.

Some Bad Ideas: Art larger than 3 x 5 feet ( I am being generous here ) , photo albums with more than 50 photos of one signing , things that squeak ( living ) anything fragile , ( it will be broken ) , live animals of any kind , anything weighing over 50 pounds, pictures of you and the writer blown up to poster size that your friend took at a signing , your ENTIRE collection of his/her work to be signed , anything you recorded while on drugs, more than one volume of original music you recorded on your computer , open liqueur bottles with hand done labels in a foreign language , and anything you have to preface with ” I found this in a graveyard….” ( or your freezer )

Ok, I know what you are wondering. Yes, we have. All of them.

1. Sand

It gets Everywhere. Can I repeat that ? It Gets EVERYWHERE. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have sat sadly in my just-this-day-cleaned office , looking at my sand covered desk , which now resembles something very like a Zen garden gone bad. This may be a fairly one-writer-specific problem, but if you listen to one thing I have said here, Do not send Sand. Ever. You can’t pack it so it stays in whatever container you have deemed appropriate. Send the container, include a note saying ” FIll this with Sand ” I will do it for you, no mangoes, no cd buying, I’ll nip outside and get you some of the best sand going. Just don’t try and send it yourself.

I know what I am talking about here. Trust me.

Lorraine Garland, 2004

Long day today with much work, none of it too exciting. ( unless you like hearing about filing hundreds of papers and sorting thru piles of yet more papers , heck if this sort of thing excites you, come on over , hee-hee ! ) Did a little work on the press release thingie, so that we can start sending out more review copies and talked to Malena about ways to become re-inspired in the relm of fitness and eating right. She sent me a drawing of an all leather outfit , skirt and top, she has designed for me. Colour me inspired!

I have to go and start getting ready for the gig tonight at Kieran’s, but I wanted to take a quick minute and wish my Boss a Very Happy Birthday! And Many Happy Returns Of The Day! I am glad that you UK folks have been getting to see him on the tour, which he says has been going very well.

Ok, I am off to rock, hope to see some of you these next three nights at the club , and I’ll see the rest of you here!

Love and music, Lorraine

I had SO much fun last night playing with the Tim Malloys! Those guys are so very good and I am finally starting to feel like I know the songs well enough to actually add something. It is wild playing with them , as I have done the songs, many of them, and know them, but the style is so different, and the key will be different that I spend the whole night learning and working and it is all seeming to come together.

Adam, whom I respect more than almost any other player going, said last night , after the gig, that he thought I had everything a fiddle player needed and I was wonderful and great to play with.

WOW! Thinks I, that is high praise! Thanks, I stammer….

Yes, he said, you stay out of the way, know when not to play, and you have a GREAT RACK!

Back to earth.

( those guys have mouths as foul as smokey peat whisky and hearts of angels , this was truly a compliment, and he meant the first two in the best possible way and was kidding on the last )

They have asked me to play with them Thursday , Friday and Saturday at Kieran’s in Minneapolis, 9-1, this week and yes, of course, I have said yes. So, please, do come down and hang out, I will be there staying out of the way, and knowing when not to play. ( uh, yes, my ” rack ” will be there as well, hee-hee )

It was really lovely too hearing from all the Malloys fans who are loveing MIRROR MIRROR, many many thanks for telling me how much you liked the cd, it means so much!

I got a new cell phone yesterday, and it is a lovely thing, but it seems my phone book is not on my SIM card, only on the old phone memory, and the old phone seems to think it does not have bluetooth and will not talk to my new phone. Any ideas on how to get my phone # list over to the new one? You can enter #’s on the SIM card on the old phone, but not simply transfer them to it. I have a lot of #’s and would rather not re-enter them all.

I am going out for walk now, but between the wind , which seems bent on blowing everything , including houses and trees down, and the hunters, I may not get very far. Might be better to stay inseide and explore these Prius websites, and dream lovely thoghts about this new school girl skirt I am hearing of from Malena. ( I thought we were getting matching Green with Celtic knotwork corsets for St Pats Day, but , hey, I am up for anything! )

( easy access skirt indeed!!!!!! Between her and the Malloys…..)

Love and Leather, Lorraine

Wehooooooooooo! Good news LaMies! My fashion line will be coming out next spring. I am designing corsets, skirts and dresses like crazy. I spoke with Karolyn at Alter Ego tonight. She reminded me that some of my designs were so extreme that ONLY I would wear them! Wait, doesn’t anyone else wear feather hats with veils, 6 inch thigh boots and dresses with slits up to the hipbone? Guess not. Poor Miles. He is always the one who has to say, “Take it down a thousand babe. Think REAL LIFE!” Where would I be without him? Standing in the grocery line at 12 midnight wearing an evening gown, that’s where. Hey, it happens.

I’m also designing a line for “plus sizes” although I would never use those words. I’ve always hated that description. After all.. beauty doesn’t stop at a size 14.
Anyway, I need to know what OUR LaMies want! Do you like short skirts or long skirts, corsets with or without sleeves? If you could have any piece of clothing, what would it be? I’ve always wanted to design clothing. I want to make clothes that FIT! Lorraine is my little guinea pig. I am designing her a zippered school girl skirt right now. It’s part of the “Easy Access” collection. (JOKING!) No not really. Wehooooo! Now I can call her “Fly Girl”!
So, make a wish list and post it on the blog. Let me know what clothes you can’t find and what you wish would fit better…and Malena will make it happen. Magic wand, crystal ball and ALL!
Love,
Your favorite Witchy